Many times when we are faced with pain caused by the actions or words of another person, we can burrow down into a place that keeps us trapped inside a world of our own making; whereas, learning how to validate, honor, and process the pain we are experiencing can bring us out of this deep, dark place and set us on a path to be able to move forward in our lives.

I am not suggesting forgiveness will make us happy. I am not suggesting it will fix all of our pain. But it will ease it. It is a soothing balm for that place inside that hurts so deeply when that pain is caused by another person.

Living with unforgiveness is like drinking poison expecting the other person to die. It is. Do you know what happens inside of you when you hold on to unforgiveness? It can lead to bitterness, depression, substance abuse, physical and mental disorders and death. Not just physical death either, but death of your dreams and death of the life you may have wanted, but were held hostage by your pain to the point of never being able to embrace that life.

Truly, the trap of unforgiveness is the most vicious of instruments used in this life to fool us into living as a victim. As a person who cannot move forward. As someone stuck in time. Stuck inside of ourselves. And it is a trap. It may feel like you are the one in control, but like the pitcher plant, it entices you in with welcoming, sweet nectar and holds your attention to the point of distraction. Before you realize it, you are sliding down, down, down, until you don’t have a way out. And by the time you realize you are trapped, you may just not care, after drinking of the nectar of unforgiveness to the point of intoxication, from the so-called nectar of vengeance and sweet, sweet revenge; and so you then find yourself not even caring about climbing your way out. Ever.

And then you die. Your hope dies. Your dreams die. Your desire to bring any kind of joy to the world dies. Your heart becomes sick. Poisoned by the nectar of vengeance. So sick that those who love you may not recognize you. So sick that you cannot recognize the love they have for you.

I don’t want that for me. I don’t want that for you.

I have experienced the pain and embraced the perceived mantle of being the victim, waiting for an apology or for someone to take responsibility for the hurting in my heart. I decided that this is not the life I want. For me or for you. Stop waiting.

I am sorry to admit that an apology may never come. And for some, even if it did, it might not be enough.

I have to decide that I want to move forward anyway.

So do you.

Start learning how to let go today. Find a good counselor or trustworthy friend. Or call me. I am a great listener. I also know some great counselors that I can recommend. Whatever path you choose, don’t wait. If you needed a sign, consider this yours.

We may have to make the effort to seek healing and process our pain without the privilege of an apology or restitution in this life. But it is our life and I don’t want you or me to spend another day drinking the poison. I know, because I have experienced it before, that the only way out of the pain of unforgiveness is letting it go. It is the only way free from its tangled up, sticky web of nectar.